The Beginning and the End

Well today is my birthday. It's the celebration of the day I began. My task for today is  to visit a hospice and interview and photograph a woman who is dying and the musician who is helping her ease into the passage of her final days. That's a powerful way to spend time being reminded that our days are numbered and that how we spend our final hours depends on what we valued in life. So today I took a page from many leaders books and followed the suggestion to write my own obituary (you'll note there's no date or age on it ;-) though.

Kelly Lee Marie Parry (nee Mathieu)

Artist, humourist, horsewoman Kelly Parry passed away peacefully on a warm summer day sitting under an ancient Oak tree where she shared time with her hubby, horse, dog and cat.  She was found with a gentle smile on her lips and hands facing upward to embrace the sun and sky. This is a fitting end to a life well-lived and a humble representation of the love of and for the animals and humans in her life.

She believed in God simply because she wanted to not because she had to. The thought of God gave purpose and beauty to her life. She believed in the bond between four-legged critters and their ability to transform two-legged people. She loved deeply towards a few and warmly to all who came in contact with her. Her lesson to others is to meet each other halfway and if you want to be heard you have to first be willing to listen.

With a strong belief in the human spirit to lean towards the good she shared her thoughts and ideas in several books that made the best sellers list. She was known for her ability to put a unique and often humourous spin on the world of human foibles and public affairs. In her final years she enjoyed a satisfying level of success and acceptance by a small but loyal cult following interested in her insights on spirituality, morality, and community spirit.

Here are the words she would want you to remember. "There is something wonderful waiting in the world for you. Something glorious to opened up and explored. It won't come in the excitement of the world but only in the quiet of your heart. So stop and listen. Trust. Love."

I Am A Zillion

The one thing I have learned in doing this 26 days of blogging is that I am, in fact, a zillion different things. There's no one word that describes me - or anyone else for that matter - but it's been fun putting on different words like different hats in a thrift store. Now that I'm done I'm not sure where I'll go from here but if you've been following any of this I just want to say a big:

THANK YOU

I Am A Yardstick

A yardstick measures length and my body measures time. I've grown up inch by inch both vertically and, yes, horizontally LOL. The bumps and scars on my body measure the time I've spent on this earth and tell their own story of my growth. The passage of thoughts and ideas that run through my mind must measure in the trillions of feet if somehow you could lay them out word-by-word. My existence can be measured by the decades and fads of our time with some ideas returning once again from my youth. No matter what, I have inherited and now own, I can take some time to measure the pro and cons and use that information to draft a different blueprint for my life.

I Am A Xylophone

It's really hard to find a word that starts with the letter X. Xylophone harkens back to my letter learning days in elementary school. It's a fun word don't you think? It's also fun to play. I loved the little rainbow covered keys of the toy xylophones I had as a kid and played mostly to make the noise. Of course that memory doesn't explain how I'm a xylophone. But that's all I have right now. Considering it's 2:44am on a Sunday morning I think this is pretty good.

I Am A Word

I just haven't figured out which one yet.

I Am A Victor

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

The other day I was thinking about all of the challenges that I've overcome in my life. A quiet, inner nature made my childhood a lovely thing filled with a rich world inside. When the age of reason began to interfer in my youth and the perplexities of reality overwhelmed me I turned to drinking and lost the years when I should have been figuring out my place in the world. When bottom hit, and it hit hard, I wasn't seasoned to deal with the world but I did, step-by-step figure things out. Life and all it's tradegies seem to come in wave after wave once I got my feet on the ground. It would be easy to feel sorry for myself, and certainly some days I do, but in truth, I am a victor over the challenges in my life. So are so many of the people I love. It's too bad we measure success by what people achieve in the world and not by how brave we all face our failures.

I Am a Ukulele

Okay, I'm not really a ukulele but I do like them. Today I'm too tired to think of anything brilliant. When I'm like this I often go to Youtube to view my favourite ukulele musicians. Here's a few links for your enjoyment.

It's Time to Get Laid - Bill Macy and Kate Micucci

The Happy Song - Kate Micucci

I Like You - Kate Micucci

An Open Letter to Stephen Fry - Molly Lewis

Wikipedia Breakup Song - Molly Lewis

What Are You Doing New Year's Eve - Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon

There's many more but I'm too tired to go on.

I Am A Teardrop

Sappy. That's me. I cry at many things. TV commercials. Athletes winning big games. Sunrises and sunsets. I'm probably not unusual or unique but I like being sappy. I love it when Geoff watches me at that moment waiting for me to sniffle. My mom and I would watch those "made for TV" movies and she'd say, "Kelly are you crying?" I'd reply, "Nooo...." all the while wiping my eyes. Its a great feeling to tap into the sentimental side of life sometimes. It makes me grateful for being alive.

I Am A Student

In my mind I'll always be a student. In fact, if I ever won the lottery I'd go back to school full-time just to learn anything that didn't lead to a career. Maybe a masters degree in comparative theology or try and, likely fail, some degree in physics or mathematics. Who knows what I could be good at if given a chance? I miss the days of college when you sat around and had deep conversations about ideas. Just for the sake of exploration. Entertaining different thoughts with a wide range of friends was so inspiring. Most of the time my studies are just kept to myself but I have some wonderful friends who are there to walk the student path with me.

I Am A Reader

Like many people I love to read. I'll read anything but I am fickle. I still have books I started years ago read part way though and then abandon for something else. I can remember where I left off and when I pick them up again I don't have to do any re-reading but it is hard to focus from beginning to end. There's a pile of book by my beside right now. Biographies, popular science, children's classics and, time to time, Archie comic books. I'm wide read but a shallow reader. It seems that sometimes I can read pages and retain absolutely nothing but every time I read something there's always some idea, big or small, that inspires me. It's one of those joys I keep myself away from and I'm not sure why. This year I plan to endulge.

I Am A Queen

If I were to be crowned Queen I think I'd be the Queen of Second Chances. I believe that's all we really want in life is a second chance. If there's any real nobility in me it's in my ability to look at people anew, or at least my desire to do so, clear the slate and start over. I know that most people don't want to screw up or hurt others. When we act badly its mostly because we are scared or fearing rejection of some type. Weird things happen when people are in pain. As Queen, I've learned I can't take things too personally so when people act badly I try to let it go. But my reign is not easy and I'm far from perfect. In fact, no one is really under my rule, but in my little world I'm amused by thinking of myself as a Queen.

I Am a Polaroid

I remember the old Polaroid cameras that spit out a picture and the image formed before your eyes. I think, too often, our judgements of people are like these pictures. We focus our attention them on them for few seconds, make a snap judgement and capture them in one moment in time. Then, depending on where we are, we expose the two-dimensional image to the world to see what happens. Slowly they come into focus, timid at first then in more detail. The best Polaroid pictures, just like people, really come to life when you expose them to the brigthest light. I know I do.

I Am An Outsider

Ever since I was little I knew I was an outsider. Oddly enough I think it's because I am basically an introvert and live most of my life from the inside out. Its made me a very subjective thinker which is good for self reflection but sometimes makes it hard to converse with those around me. I'm learning how a bit more each day but I'm finding the world isn't an easy place for introverts. Outgoing extraverts take the world by storm, get their ideas to the forefront and seem to find it easy to talk about their wants and needs. Folks like me get too reflective and weight what they see and feel around them until they forget what they needed in the first place. Once they figure it out they blurt it out and people wonder what the heck they are talking about. Then the feeling of an outsider returns. I don't think this is something I need to fix or change just something to reflect upon once in a while.

I Am A Nut

Not only am I a nut it looks like I'm a Cashew according to this test at a site called Blogthings. It's here I have found my true nutty self. Here's what it says:

• You are laid back, friendly, and easy going.
• Compared to most people, you have a very mild temperament.
• You blend in well. You're often the last person to get noticed.
• But whenever you're gone, people seem to notice right away.

Seems pretty true for the most part. So what exactly what makes me a Cashew?

• A preference for a salty things
• A wish to visit Greece
• An admission that I'm always a bit nuts
• An acknowledgement that people like me more than they realize
• A revelation that I'm a bit of a hard nut to crack (but not too much)

I'm sure the good people behind this test have done a great degree of work with their expertise. I thank them for the extra defining of my true nature.

I Am A Memory

Life is all memory, except for the one present moment that goes by you so quickly you hardly catch it going. - Tennessee Williams

Wow, how true is that quote? As each minute ticks past it is gone. It can't be reclaimed only remembered. How many moments have I lived through that are nothing more than a memory now. When my time on this planet is over that is all I'll be in the minds of others. Someone who was here and now is gone. That's why it's so important to stay positive because I want the memories of me to worthy so I can live on somehow. I hope when I write I can make someone laugh if they are feeling low or to show a slightly different perspective of the world to help move them forward. If my life passes into memories and my future gets projected though my imagination I hope my today, right now, becomes a moment I want to remember.

I Am A Loser

Sometimes I lose. Its hard to take being on the losing end of life. I'm not at all a competitive person and usually strive for those win/win situations in life. I think it's because I love the process of things so much more than the achievement of something (at least that's what I tell myself). I like the doing but I'll admit I hate when the doing doesn't get the results I want. Graceful in defeat, maybe on the outside, but there have been plenty of moments of true seething on the inside. I get resentful because I put so much into the "process" that when it doesn't yield results I get mad. I lose. Well, there goes another little bit of denial. Sigh. Another moment of humanity.

I Am A Kid

When I was growing up I didn't feel much like a kid. There were worries inside. Many of them I couldn't verbalize just a free floating anxiety about everything. Carefree wasn't my experience. It's taken a long time to get to be learn how to be a real kid. I did learn how to be kind and I took thinking of others to the extreme. I worried what people would think and I did what I was told. I didn't rebel or talk back but went deep inside and buried a lot of what I feel. Probably not unusal but today, as an adult, I wish I had some more experiences that were just fun and crazy. Maybe I'll have them now.

I Am A Journal

I rarely write in journals and I never really kept a diary but I feel like it's all inside me anyway. Writing these posts each day is showing me that there are hundreds of inner pages with thousands of words archived inside my heart, mind and soul. I don't really think about what I'm going to write but things come to me anyway. I'm sure once I've done some more of this and developed some of my writing chops I'll find a way to dig much deeper and access so much more. These snippets will provide me a small framework and some confidence to keep going.

I Am An Idea

I like thinking of myself as a horse. I like the idea of being a part of a herd. It's been a inspiration to me to wander through the world feeling like I had the power of others around me. I also feel an affinity to them as prey animals. There are days when I feel preyed upon and find myself always scanning the horizon for potential problems. Sometimes I bolt. Other times I freeze. I hope on my journey with horses they'll teach me how to respond appropriately, then go back to grazing peacefully. That's my goal.

I Am A Hermit

I don't act like one but basically I am a hermit or at least I long to be. Its exhausting for me to be in the world sometimes surrounded by people, noise and demands. I can't seem to block a lot of it out. Over the years I've developed coping skills and to the outside world I look content interacting with others but my inner world longs for time alone. Maybe that will be gift I give to myself in the coming years. Time to just be alone. 

I Am A Goof

So here I am trying to do a post day and this morning around 1:00am I woke up and realized I hadn't done one for today. My response? I went back to sleep. Right now its 7:25pm and I just fought the cats for bathroom supremacy, had a shower, got dressed and need to leave for work. Man, what a Goof am I.

I Am A Friend

A few years ago I bought a book of essays entitled On Friendship by Michel de Montaigne. I was telling myself "I really should think deeper about things" when I saw the book at Chapters. I hurried home thinking this was my guide to ultimate friendship and a new vocation for my life. The only problem was when I tried to read it I kept falling asleep (in the bath tub mostly). So I quickly Googled a quote for this posting so I could look really smart. Here we go:

“I know that the arms of friendship are long enough to reach from the one end of the world to the other.”

Pretty good huh? I think it is deep without all that studying. Now I'm feeling guilty for the short cut to insights. Wow, as I flip through the book I am surprized at how much wisdom there is in there. Maybe I'll read it one day and get back to you.



I Am My Ego

I feel sorry for egos. In the worlds that I wander through - where people are trying to better themselves, reach some spiritual plane, or overcome their difficulties - the poor ego gets blamed for everything bad. One group wants to crush it and another wants to control it. No wonder egos act up so much. I would too if large parts of the population wanted to get rid of me. Now I found this quote today from Barbra Streisand that makes more sense to me:

"To have ego means to believe in your own strength. And to also be open to other people's views. It is to be open, not closed. So, yes, my ego is big, but it's also very small in some areas. My ego is responsible for my doing what I do - bad or good."

 

Now that's better. "Hey Ego, here's a little respect for you. Thanks for pushing me out of my shell and helping me make my way in the world. I like you. You know if you screw up I'll forgive you. That's what friends do."

 

So make friends with your ego today.

I Am A Depiction

A few years I stumbled upon the word depiction. I was looking for a single way to describe what I do in my professional life, a concept or idea I could use to clarify all the different writing and design I do, when I came across this:

Noun

1.

depiction - a graphic or vivid verbal description characterisation, characterization, delineation, word picture, word-painting, picture description, verbal description - a statement that represents something in words



Finally I found what I was looking for -  pictures AND words - represented in one single idea. Then it struck me. Not only did I create depictions I was one too. Here, right now, I am a depiction of the very words I type. These words aren't me. The picture on this blog isn't me. However they both represent me, my state of mind and my feelings in this moment in time. I think its pretty neat that I can become what I create. Never thought about it this way before.

I Am A Cocktail

With a little research on Wikipedia I uncovered all the chemical elements that make up the human body. There is 60 of them. That's quite the cocktail. Here they are:

Oxygen
Carbon
Hydrogen
Nitrogen
Calcium
Phosphorus
Potassium
Sulfur
Sodium
Chlorine
Magnesium
Iron*
Fluorine
Zinc
Silicon
Rubidium
Strontium
Bromine
Lead
Copper
Aluminium
Cadmium
Cerium
Barium
Tin
Iodine
Titanium
Boron
Selenium
Nickel
Chromium
Manganese
Arsenic
Lithium
Mercury
Caesium
Molybdenum
Germanium
Cobalt
Antimony
Silver
Niobium
Zirconium
Lanthanum
Tellurium
Gallium
Yttrium
Bismuth
Thallium
Indium
Gold
Scandium
Tantalum
Vanadium
Thorium
Uranium
Samarium
Tungsten
Beryllium
Radium

Check out more http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Composition_of_the_human_body

I Am A Blender

I once read an interview with the late Maurice Gibb of the Bee Gees where, when asked what role he played in their success, he simply referred to himself as "the blender".  Although the other two brothers had the powerful and distinctive voices without him there would have been no true harmony, just two voices singing side by side. It's a nice analogy and one I've adopted for myself. Being a blender means that I'm the person who makes thing flow together and I often do in many places in my life. I can help other mix and match ideas to create a new understanding or see the other person's side. I can also come up with one idea or direction to move groups of people forward. I'm still discovering what it all means but I really like the idea.

I Am An Animal

The more time I spend with my cats on the couch and my blessed moments with any horse who will have me, the more I realize I'm just another animal. I need food, shelter and a good night's sleep. I can survive on my own but I'm better if there is someone around who will care for me. Sometimes I need to be rescued other times I just need be cuddled. Growling and digging in my heels when someone tries to move me - or worse yet train me - happens more than I care to admit. Like animals I respond better to treats and gentle persuasion. Somehow knowing this makes me happy. It keeps me connected to the world around me and motivated to take care of my animal nature.

Raising Spirits

I’ve been hiding a bit as of late trying to gather my thoughts amidst a very changing world. It’s a weird time for me as in many ways nothing has changed but then everything has changed. The cycle of life and death continues complete with its feelings of remorse and at times release. The things that I thought were solid seem to crumble at a glance and I can now create things that have been in my imagination for ages. Life is getting easier in some ways and at the same time harder.

My world is greeted everyday with the knowledge of several lifetimes, not in the reincarnation sense of past lives, but as a creature that renews herself daily. Perhaps this is what you feel like as you get older. I’ve heard that your body changes every seven years and if that is so I’m entering my 6.9th year of renewal. Maybe it’s just the compound interest due to the passage of time or the evolution from child to maiden to mother then crone. I don’t know but I think I’m beginning to get it.

The feeling of missing out on the mothering part of womanhood is finally dimming. I see that fundamentally my nature is to nurture and even though I didn’t raise children I’ve spent the greater part of my life raising people's spirits. Where mothers sacrificed themselves for their children I sacrificed myself to meet the needs of others. I used to think that this sacrifice wasn’t good enough but now that I find myself looking into the eyes of other women I seen we are in the same place. We have all given parts of ourselves away. We are all seeking ourselves.

Now  I find myself walking beside family and friends as they move through the changes in their lives and, unlike any time before, I feel a kind of spiritual detachment. I think I get the meaning of that famous Albert Camus quote “Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.” Life has given me the stamina for the journey. I’m not playing catch up or chasing after dreams that aren’t mine.

That's all for today.