Thursday, February 28, 2013
The more time I spend with my cats on the couch and my blessed moments with any horse who will have me, the more I realize I'm just another animal. I need food, shelter and a good night's sleep. I can survive on my own but I'm better if there is someone around who will care for me. Sometimes I need to be rescued other times I just need be cuddled. Growling and digging in my heels when someone tries to move me - or worse yet train me - happens more than I care to admit. Like animals I respond better to treats and gentle persuasion. Somehow knowing this makes me happy. It keeps me connected to the world around me and motivated to take care of my animal nature.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
I’ve been hiding a bit as of late trying to gather my thoughts amidst a very changing world. It’s a weird time for me as in many ways nothing has changed but then everything has changed. The cycle of life and death continues complete with its feelings of remorse and at times release. The things that I thought were solid seem to crumble at a glance and I can now create things that have been in my imagination for ages. Life is getting easier in some ways and at the same time harder.
My world is greeted everyday with the knowledge of several lifetimes, not in the reincarnation sense of past lives, but as a creature that renews herself daily. Perhaps this is what you feel like as you get older. I’ve heard that your body changes every seven years and if that is so I’m entering my 6.9th year of renewal. Maybe it’s just the compound interest due to the passage of time or the evolution from child to maiden to mother then crone. I don’t know but I think I’m beginning to get it.
The feeling of missing out on the mothering part of womanhood is finally dimming. I see that fundamentally my nature is to nurture and even though I didn’t raise children I’ve spent the greater part of my life raising people's spirits. Where mothers sacrificed themselves for their children I sacrificed myself to meet the needs of others. I used to think that this sacrifice wasn’t good enough but now that I find myself looking into the eyes of other women I seen we are in the same place. We have all given parts of ourselves away. We are all seeking ourselves.
Now I find myself walking beside family and friends as they move through the changes in their lives and, unlike any time before, I feel a kind of spiritual detachment. I think I get the meaning of that famous Albert Camus quote “Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.” Life has given me the stamina for the journey. I’m not playing catch up or chasing after dreams that aren’t mine.
That's all for today.