Thursday, June 24, 2004

Asking for Help

I just realized that my blogs are a lot like the talks I have with my friends. Intense bits of sharing, then back to my day to day life with a little more strength and a little more clarity.

Life isn't as bad as it was a few weeks ago. I shouldn't really use the word "bad". Come to think of it, I shouldn't use the "shouldn't" either. It's just my life as it stands right now. I think the difference is now I've talked my problems out with some people. I let them know I'm having a hard time and need some help. And what do you know, they are helping. I've felt so alone most of my life but now there are friends willing to do what they can. Offering support.

It's like I've been looking for the gift of compassion from people but refusing it at the same time. My own feelings of inadequacy, saw the caring from others as pity. Now that I've accepted that I have been through the fire and the flame, still in tact and strong enough to face whatever happens, I'm not so afraid to let others in. I've kept people out of my inner life for so long that it comes as a great surprize to me that there is so much support.

After moving away from Richmond and away from my best friend Glenda, three years ago, I haven't wanted to connect with anyone. It's not that my friendship with Glenda died, it just had to change a bit. She was opening up to new things in her life and I was doing the same. We talked and got together, but it wasnt' the same.

Moving to Coquitlam, convinced me to get on track with my life. After the troubles with Geoff's family ended, I realized that I couldn't wait anymore. I need to challenge all of my fears about life, and plunge myself into a new environment. So I chose going back to school. During school, there was always someone around, but it wasn't the same. I put a lot of energy into my other classmates and I must admit, that I am disappointed that so many relationships from school just didn't pan out.

Now that classes are over, I'm finding out who I really want to be friends with and who I can begin to let some of my guard down with. It's a great list of people I have now. Some younger, some older and others just about my own age. It's also nice to have people from different backgrounds. In Richmond, everyone I knew was in AA. Many of them didn't want to move on with their life, stuck in a misguided understanding of One Day at a Time. It seems they didn't want to move into a different place. I needed more people who were like me, not in the wounds they carried, but in the more positive aspects of life.

But in that search, I've found friends who are writers, like me, but they are all unique and different. I think my resolve to accept all parts of me, lets me open myself to differnt relationships. We all have different backgrounds and relate to different negative fears, but it's not consuming. Everyone I know now, is committed to making a better life - not just job - for themselves. I'm very grateful for them all.

Monday, June 21, 2004

Subsiding and Waiting


Things are slowly improving now. We found someone to rent the basement suite, so we don't have to come up with the money. Hubby is still fighting demons and I'm trying to be supportive but not judgemental. That's a tough one. No job prospects but a friend is trying to hook me up with someone. We have a little room to breathe and trying to find some ways to play. I went canoeing yesterday and visited a horse rescue ranch last Sunday. These are little ways of challenging myself and trying to fit some kind of passion and change into my world. I'm not my career. I'm a person who is trying to fullfil other parts of myself. In the end, whether or not the world works out the way I want it to, I still have to meet my emotional, spiritual, financial and personal needs. I keep repeating that to myself so I don't get trapped into the narrow tunnels of unemployment and illness.


Well, I finally went down to the mammogram place to check on when they would make my appointment. Turns out the screening clinic sent my doctor's request to the ultrasound clinic in the same complex, so I had to wander over there to see when I would get my appointment. I thought they were giving me the runaround. Maybe they were. Let's presume stupidity rather than malice.

I heard the news I needed further testing on the 8th, was promised someone would contact me on the 10th but no go. So last Wednesday (the 16th) I marched down to see what was up. Turns out that there was a pile of requests at least two feet high. I was somewhere in the middle. I admit the receptionist was really helpful and she searched for my paperwork and made me an appointment right there. I guess when they have to face a real person, rather than a phone call, it makes them move a bit more. Unfortunately, the soonest I can get in is July 28. More than a month away. Right now I'm relieved to have a date I can put my worrying off until then. Not successful at that, but it's getting easier.

Thursday, June 10, 2004

False Evidence Appearing Real

Well, this is a depressing way to start off a blog but this blog is for me and is about my journey in life. I'm through trying to be a super human. I need a place to question everything without the world thinking I am falling apart. So here I go right to the heart of the matter, FEAR (False Evidence Appearing Real).

I hate those hokey acronyms about things that we have no control over. Right now I'm stuck in FEAR mode and I am unwilling to deny it. I don't have the energy to be positive or hopeful. My life is too hectic for that. I can't delude myself into feeling that everything has a reason or purpose unto heaven. A part of me is tired and afraid and I am afraid of the future.

I have every right to be afraid. I have no job. I have no money. The tenants of our basement suite are moving and we might be stuck for the whole rent (money we don't have). My husband is struggling with his own demons. And to top it off, my first mammogram shows problems.

The fight to not immediately think I have cancer is too strong. It's like an elastic band that is pulled to to its extreme. I try to pull the idea out of my mind. My hand trembles at the thought of what I'm trying to control. Just when I relax, SMACK, the idea slams into my brain.

Right now, I found out that I can't schedule the tests I need to confirm or deny the diagnosis until sometime late next week. They won't even schedule an appointment until then. I don't even get to see the results of this mammogram. I have no idea what "some density" means. Just the judgement of some nameless radiologist and my fear and maybe my life hang in the balance.

I'm waiting to hear from my doctor to see if I can get into another clinic. Seems the one here in Coquitlam only processes additional tests once a week. Now my doctor just told me the earliest appointment I can get is July 13. That's a month away. A month of waiting. Of trying not be paralyzed by fear. Of trying to be brave and going ahead with my life anyway. Knowing that I won't even know what's going on until after the test. Wait for the results. Probably wait for other tests. It feels really cruel.

That's why I started this post. I have to get it out somehow. Find someway and someplace to tuck my feelings away. My hope is that this will let me communciate with myself and track this story. Maybe it will let me tell the people I love how I feel. What it's like for me to be going through this. I don't want to isolate but I also don't want pity. I don't want to scare people but I do need help.

I don't know how I'll be able to go to job interviews and commit to doing the best job I can when there is this big black thing hanging around out there. What if my job starts on the same day I get my results? What if the result are bad? How will I ask for a day off for more tests without breaking into tears? How can I explain my hesitancy without telling them the truth? Will they hire someone who might be sick? Will they hire someone who "appears" emotionally unstable? I don't know.

I've been through a lot. This isn't the first time I've been unemployed. Actually it's the fourth. Unfortunately, it comes at a time when I was hopeful about a positive future. When I actually began to let myself dream of a life without the pains of the past. I was ready to let go of the idea that when good things happen to me bad things are just around the corner. I was ready to let go of the idea that somehow I was being punished for believing that I could be happy. Now, here's another bad thing. A big bad thing. Maybe.

The only recourse left to me is to be clearly myself. Attempts to hide my feelings only result in chaos and fear, there's that word again, but how I really feel must come out somehow. It's the only way I can survive. Typing in this little box somehow helps. It helps to contain my fear. I can handle a little bit at a time.