Monday, November 30, 2009

The Tower is Crumbling

The Tower card represents my life right now. As violent as it looks, it can be a good place. It means that structures that no longer work for me are being distroyed, dismantled and burned to the ground. I welcome the change. I've been here many times as I've wandered my path. Family, friends, drinking, work, health and nature have all fallen hundreds of times.
My first tower was built to protect me from the energies of the world around me. To protect me from being consumed by the sadness and confusion I saw at every turn. I built the wall as solidly as I could. Then drinking brought it down to rubble. I quickly picked up the rubble and built it up again. But this time, a little bit of light passed through the broken gaps. The walls were still strong but some light got in.
Over time the walls fell again and I built them up again. Each time a little more light passed through the shattered stone. Sometimes they fell when I realized something good about myself and it broke through the tower of self-tortured illusions. Sometimes it fell when the realization of loss reared its ugly head. Today its falling because I realize I want to go home. I want to be free from the cycle of destruction and resurrection.
I'm being freed from this tower so I can go home. It's a much shorter fall, the stones aren't that big anymore. I'm tired of my own bull and I'm ready to let go. I want to come home to myself and come down from the dingy ivory tower I thought was the life I was supposed to live. I'm sure when I arrive I'll build another tower of sorts out in my own psychic backyard. No, perhaps I'll build a gazebo instead. That way I get the structure but the light still comes in.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

A virtuous woman building a virtual world

I just came up with this. I don't know quite what it means yet but the idea is about combining my goals as a person and fullfilling my mission with technology. I need the element of inspiration to keep me going and to feed my energy. I'm getting drained by trying to be all things to all people. But I know that there are three things that keep me going:

1. A sense of purpose (even if I have to make one up)
2. A fascination with the art of communication
3. An inner geek dying to be expressed

So the goal for the next few years is to try to find a way to work on projects that are near and dear to my heart from anyplace in BC.

Let's see how I do.