Asking for Help

I just realized that my blogs are a lot like the talks I have with my friends. Intense bits of sharing, then back to my day to day life with a little more strength and a little more clarity.

Life isn't as bad as it was a few weeks ago. I shouldn't really use the word "bad". Come to think of it, I shouldn't use the "shouldn't" either. It's just my life as it stands right now. I think the difference is now I've talked my problems out with some people. I let them know I'm having a hard time and need some help. And what do you know, they are helping. I've felt so alone most of my life but now there are friends willing to do what they can. Offering support.

It's like I've been looking for the gift of compassion from people but refusing it at the same time. My own feelings of inadequacy, saw the caring from others as pity. Now that I've accepted that I have been through the fire and the flame, still in tact and strong enough to face whatever happens, I'm not so afraid to let others in. I've kept people out of my inner life for so long that it comes as a great surprize to me that there is so much support.

After moving away from Richmond and away from my best friend Glenda, three years ago, I haven't wanted to connect with anyone. It's not that my friendship with Glenda died, it just had to change a bit. She was opening up to new things in her life and I was doing the same. We talked and got together, but it wasnt' the same.

Moving to Coquitlam, convinced me to get on track with my life. After the troubles with Geoff's family ended, I realized that I couldn't wait anymore. I need to challenge all of my fears about life, and plunge myself into a new environment. So I chose going back to school. During school, there was always someone around, but it wasn't the same. I put a lot of energy into my other classmates and I must admit, that I am disappointed that so many relationships from school just didn't pan out.

Now that classes are over, I'm finding out who I really want to be friends with and who I can begin to let some of my guard down with. It's a great list of people I have now. Some younger, some older and others just about my own age. It's also nice to have people from different backgrounds. In Richmond, everyone I knew was in AA. Many of them didn't want to move on with their life, stuck in a misguided understanding of One Day at a Time. It seems they didn't want to move into a different place. I needed more people who were like me, not in the wounds they carried, but in the more positive aspects of life.

But in that search, I've found friends who are writers, like me, but they are all unique and different. I think my resolve to accept all parts of me, lets me open myself to differnt relationships. We all have different backgrounds and relate to different negative fears, but it's not consuming. Everyone I know now, is committed to making a better life - not just job - for themselves. I'm very grateful for them all.